Outraged at what they perceived as another perk for the boys, the Duchesses of the Laurel Kingdoms have struck back and forced their own list of demands through the SCA Inc at an Extraordinary Meeting of the Directors on September 26, 2006. The following changes are effective immediately.
1. The following garb styles are prohibited to all SCAdians with a Body Mass Index of more than 28: Ancient Greek; Roman; Norse (sometimes referred to as Viking, Viking/Rus, Norse Transitional and Anglo/Viking); cotehardies of any description; short Italian Ren; Elizabethan with short trunk hose and tights; anything that creates a breast shelf (male or female).
2. Courtesan personae are banned outright, as is possession of the cinema release Dangerous Beauty.
3. Sir Brand McClellan of the West Kingdom may not wear long-sleeved garments until after the third week of autumn and before the fourth week of spring in any Kingdom.
When asked to explain the reasoning behind their demands, a spokeswoman for the Duchesses stated :”For too long we’ve had to put up with poorly dressed and unattractive people running riot all over the SCA. It’s just not good enough. We’ve given a lot to the Known World. Why should we have to dress well if they can’t be bothered? As far as we’re concerned, if they can’t be bothered looking good, they have no place in the Laurel Kingdoms.”
Some have spoken out against the new rulings’ perceived bias towards costume Laurels. The spokeswoman replied that the changes were not designed simply to bend to the whims of costume Laurels across the Known World. She added: “While most of our best friends are costume Laurels, this is a change that has a great deal of grassroots support. People wearing unflattering garb is a safety hazard. Poorly cut skirts can be tripped on, whereas catching inadvertent sight of a Duke’s manboobs can be so startling that some people have crashed into tents, and some women have had to reconsider their heterosexuality entirely.”
Pressed on some of the specificities in the new laws, Her Grace admitted that there were some issues of taste involved. “None of us minded it when the Dukes developed a craze for Roman and Viking back when we were lithe Viscountesses, but time takes its toll, and if you think it’s fun having an album-full of reign photos that show your upper-arm flab, think again.”
Queries as to the ban on courtesan personae were met with a curt rejoinder that no noblewoman would openly advertise that she could be bought, and hence such personae were against the governing documents of the Society. When pressed, the spokeswoman declined to comment further on record, although she was happy to describe in detail the methods by which she would remove the toenails of the next ‘shameless hussy who attempts to cosy up to my consort with her skirts cut up to her mirkin and breasts akimbo.’
The SCA Inc have released a statement that the changes are about “ensuring consistency across Kingdoms and making sure that middle-aged Presbyterians will not find themselves faced with confronting costume that could result in seizures. It’s a safety issue, and our insurers are right behind us on this.”
Sir Brand McClellan of the West Kingdom could not be contacted for his opinion on the new legislation regarding display of his biceps and forearms. The SCA Inc declined to comment, although off-record a source close to the President was prepared to say “The Duchesses wanted that in, and they scared us worse than the Dukes. They have hatpins, and they’re not afraid to use them.”
When asked why Sir Brand had been singled out, a spokeswoman for the Duchesses replied, “No reason”, and then hummed distractedly.